13 Dec

Rest in Peace, Puppy

Puppy

Well, yesterday the puppy rapidly deteriorated in the afternoon. He was lethargic and vomited repeatedly. So we took him to our local vet, who stabilized him with fluids and some medication so that he could handle the trip to Milwaukee. We drove him to Milwaukee last night and handed him over to the rescue organization we adopted him from so that they could get him into their vet hospital. He had been diagnosed with parvo, which has a 50% mortality rate. Not good.

But we were hopeful because he didn’t have a fever and we had caught it somewhat early. This morning, we got a report that he’d made it through the night and that he was eating — another good sign. But then tonight, we got the call telling us that he’d passed away at about 5:30.

I was surprised by how devastating the news was. We’d only had him for four days, but in that short time, we’d grown quite attached to the little guy. He was a sweet dog.

28 Oct

Some Seasonal Advice

So it’s approaching midnight on the eve of Halloween and you’ve got a million things going: you’re sewing the arms on to a new voodoo doll; you’re ironing your best black cape; you’re making pentagrams out of sticks; and you’re gathering together your vials of hensbane and dragon’s teeth.

And that’s when you realize you have no eye of newt!

We’ve all been there. You meant to go newt-hunting earlier in the day, but you were just so busy; any number of things may have happened. Maybe your deformed assistant ate your to-do list. Maybe your crystal ball broke. Maybe your sister called asking for the liver of a blaspheming jew. Whatever the case, you forgot all about the eye of newt.

As we all know, newts are a pain in the ass to find. The forests have been picked over by deformed assistants, Witchcraft Depot doesn’t sell them, and the small mom and pop places that you used to rely on are all going out of business. So what can you do?

Well, it turns out there’s an easy solution. All you need is a toad, a drop of bat’s blood, and some corn starch. You simply take the toad (for best results, use one of those really tiny toads that are the size of your thumb), blend it, and add one drop of bat’s blood. This can get pretty messy in a Cuisinart, so we recommend an immersion blender or a good ‘ol mortar and pestle if you’ve still got one stashed somewhere in the house.

Once your toad is liquified, add the bat’s blood and then fold in enough corn starch to thicken it. The goal is to get the mixture thick enough so that you can roll it into a little ball the size of a newt’s eye. The dark spirits can’t tell the difference. Seriously. I once made a potion that called for three parts eye of newt to one part mugwort. When I discovered we were out of newt eyes, I freaked out. Broke a whole set of new wine glasses with my shrieking. But my friend Sandy told me about the toad and corn starch trick and wouldn’t you know it? I sank three sailboats with my potion.

09 Oct

Spoiler Alert: The Man by the Side of the Road

“Spoiler Alert” is a serialized short story, coming in 13 parts every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. “The Man by the Side of the Road” is part thirteen. It’s best if you know the end first, so go to part one if you haven’t read it yet.

Of course, that wasn’t going to happen. It couldn’t. So I told him he needed to take this trip alone.

“Why?”

I didn’t answer for fear I’d say the wrong thing. If David didn’t take that burning bus north, would I never meet the pregnant, kiss-blowing love of my life? How fragile were these things?

David grabbed my hand — a gesture almost too tender to take. “Oh, no. He told you, didn’t he? Something happens on your next bus trip?”

David’s voice trembled a little, his sympathy towards me palpable. And when I looked in his watery eyes, it felt like I was looking at my own son. I had to give him some hope. So I lied. “Yeah. You need to stay away from me.”

He held my gaze for a long time. A little too long. I thought maybe he saw through me. But then he offered me one last gulp of his water bottle. “I guess I couldn’t break you out of prison after all.”

Buses were leaving for Belize with surprising regularity. We bought separate tickets north. Mine left ten minutes after his.

“You know,” David said, just before embarking, “the old man was a liar.”

“You mean Abuelo?” I thought he might be referring to his own father.

“Yeah. He told you some version of the future. But there’s a good chance it was a lie.”

“I doubt it, but yeah, it’s possible.”

That’s when he patted me on the back. “Doubt is a wonderful thing,” he said. And I saw him no more.

Later, after the explosion and the black plume of smoke, and an hour or two spent on the side of the road, the flavored ice man made another pass. He was dressed in a ridiculous blue jumpsuit with a matching bandana over his mouth and a large, straw sombrero, so I didn’t get a good look at him. But he was about David’s size, and though he said nothing to me, his shouts of “Helados! Helados!” as he walked down the roadside sounded familiar.

He couldn’t have been David, of course. It’s nearly impossible. I know in my gut that David’s gone.

But I hope I’m wrong.