22 Dec

A Who’s Perspective

What can I say? We are heavy sleepers. The tinkle of a glass ornament as it drops off the tree, the crackle of a tray of ice cubes, the scraping of soot in the chimbley — these things don’t wake us from our slumber. Our dreams are far too captivating to succumb to such distractions.

I remember mine that night. It began with the sound of footsteps trudging through the snow, a loud staccato crunch. It was so loud, I covered my ears. But then I realized I had no ears. I was, in fact, the footsteps — or rather, the boots marching through the snow.

And then it stopped. All went silent and white. The smell of snow was overpowering. I felt light and airy, like I was inhaling a long, intoxicating breath of the freshest air. Everything was so white. And it was so quiet, I didn’t realize right away that I’d been falling through the air beside enormous structures of crystalline ice. I was a snowflake.

I fell toward a horse pulling a cart. And naturally, I became the horse, huffing in the winter air, feeling the strength of my body as I trotted along. I became the cart, creaking under a load of timber. I became the wheels of the cart, meeting the road with my never ending surfaces. I rolled over the earth, became the stones, the gravel, the dirt. I rumbled with the vibrations of each speck of dust, each grain of sand and grit. And then I fell through a funnel of an hourglass and landed amongst my family and neighbors in the town square.

We were all specks of dirt at first, but our faces materialized over a span of long minutes and hours. And then we told our stories.

The communal dream happens every night. But it seldom has the same clarity it had that night. Everyone arrived having journeyed from earth to sky and back again. Emily Sue had been a flash of lightning, a lily pad, a crocodile and a rainbow. Lulu had been an oaktree, an acorn, and a crow. Uncle Stu had been the fog, the mist of waves crashing on rocks, a gull, and a green hermit.

We all had achieved the Who ideal. We had lost ourselves amongst the grains of creation.

When we woke up the next morning, just a few nails and wires remained on the walls of our homes. There was so much space, so much emptiness. It was miraculous. Having dreamt about everything, to wake up to nothing thrilled us.

We leapt from our beds and convened at the town square. There was nothing left to do but to grab the hands of our children and siblings and parents and sing. “Fah who forays! Dah who dorays! . . . “

13 Dec

Rest in Peace, Puppy

Puppy

Well, yesterday the puppy rapidly deteriorated in the afternoon. He was lethargic and vomited repeatedly. So we took him to our local vet, who stabilized him with fluids and some medication so that he could handle the trip to Milwaukee. We drove him to Milwaukee last night and handed him over to the rescue organization we adopted him from so that they could get him into their vet hospital. He had been diagnosed with parvo, which has a 50% mortality rate. Not good.

But we were hopeful because he didn’t have a fever and we had caught it somewhat early. This morning, we got a report that he’d made it through the night and that he was eating — another good sign. But then tonight, we got the call telling us that he’d passed away at about 5:30.

I was surprised by how devastating the news was. We’d only had him for four days, but in that short time, we’d grown quite attached to the little guy. He was a sweet dog.

28 Oct

Some Seasonal Advice

So it’s approaching midnight on the eve of Halloween and you’ve got a million things going: you’re sewing the arms on to a new voodoo doll; you’re ironing your best black cape; you’re making pentagrams out of sticks; and you’re gathering together your vials of hensbane and dragon’s teeth.

And that’s when you realize you have no eye of newt!

We’ve all been there. You meant to go newt-hunting earlier in the day, but you were just so busy; any number of things may have happened. Maybe your deformed assistant ate your to-do list. Maybe your crystal ball broke. Maybe your sister called asking for the liver of a blaspheming jew. Whatever the case, you forgot all about the eye of newt.

As we all know, newts are a pain in the ass to find. The forests have been picked over by deformed assistants, Witchcraft Depot doesn’t sell them, and the small mom and pop places that you used to rely on are all going out of business. So what can you do?

Well, it turns out there’s an easy solution. All you need is a toad, a drop of bat’s blood, and some corn starch. You simply take the toad (for best results, use one of those really tiny toads that are the size of your thumb), blend it, and add one drop of bat’s blood. This can get pretty messy in a Cuisinart, so we recommend an immersion blender or a good ‘ol mortar and pestle if you’ve still got one stashed somewhere in the house.

Once your toad is liquified, add the bat’s blood and then fold in enough corn starch to thicken it. The goal is to get the mixture thick enough so that you can roll it into a little ball the size of a newt’s eye. The dark spirits can’t tell the difference. Seriously. I once made a potion that called for three parts eye of newt to one part mugwort. When I discovered we were out of newt eyes, I freaked out. Broke a whole set of new wine glasses with my shrieking. But my friend Sandy told me about the toad and corn starch trick and wouldn’t you know it? I sank three sailboats with my potion.