Author Archives: tim

Two days later, I’m sittin there watching Oprah give tips on how to declutter your home when the phone rings. I say hello, and the guy on the other end says, hey man. I’m not sure who it is yet, but I say, hey, what’s up, hoping that I’ll figure it out once he talks some more. Watcha up to, the guy says. And since I’m not sure who he is, I don’t know if I should tell him exactly what I’m up to, so I say, not much. He says, that’s cool, and then neither one of us says anything for a second. And then he says, so a couple of us were gonna go out for some beers tonight, you in?

And now I know who it is and I say, shit, Jimmy? I had no idea who you were until just now. Jimmy and I go back a long way. Even though he went to MIT and has a job where he makes tons of money, he never disowned me. Jimmy laughs and I tell him I’m watching Oprah and I say sure I’ll go out for beers, and we call each other assholes and laugh cuz we’re good friends and Jimmy says be there at 8:00. When I hang up, Oprah’s saying, when we return, Dr. Robin will talk to us about obstacles in our friendships.

So later that night, I get to the bar and I’m like a half hour late, which Jimmy knew would happen, but I figure I don’t wanna get there early and be sittin around alone like a jackass waitin for other people to show up. Jimmy sees me and shouts my name and I walk over through the crowd and he’s there with like five or six other people. He starts introducing me to everybody, saying this is Kate, this is Randy, this is Alex. And of course, Nata is there, and I smile at her cuz I kinda have this thing for Nata, who works with Jimmy and is like the hottest nerd girl I know. And this is Karl, Jimmy says, and at first, I’m not really paying attention cuz I’m staring at Nata, but then I snap out of it and I look at Karl, and sure enough, it’s the same creepy mofo who gave me a ride the other day.

Sorry for the lack of stuff in the past month. Insert favorite excuse here (from list below).

• Dog ate it.
• Cat tipped it over.
• Ran out of salt and the store was closed.
• Used baking soda instead of baking powder.
• Can’t eat dairy.
• Battery died.
• Talk to the hand.
• Maybe you gave me the wrong address.
• Thought the O was a zero.
• Internet was down.
• Switched to Linux.
• Thought the white border meant it was optional.
• Printer went berserk.
• Turns out I’m colorblind.
• I was up till, like, three.
• Locked my keys in the car.
• The drugs don’t work.
• Power outage.
• I’m just in a bad place right now.
• Things have been pretty intense lately.
• I lost mine.
• I didn’t know.
• My wife forgot to remind me.
• I was spanked as a child.
• I’m standing at the bus stop and this guy walks up to me and he’s like, hi, my name’s Karl. And I’m like, uh, hi Karl, and he stands there kinda just looking at me for about four seconds (which is a long time in reality) and he says, um, my car won’t start and I was gonna try to pop the clutch but I need someone to help me with that. And I just look at him blankly for a while and he says, I could give you a ride to wherever you need to go.

  So I say, ok, and he says, aw, man, thanks so much. So we walk together without speaking for like three blocks and he points to a red pickup truck and says it’s this one. I start to push it on his signal and he tries to pop the clutch but it’s pretty clear he doesn’t know how to do it cuz he keeps trying to force it into first gear. So I say, hey Karl, why don’t you push and I’ll pop the clutch, and he says sure. So he pushes and I pop the clutch and the car starts. I move over to the passenger seat and he gets in and says where to, and I say north side.

  We take off and right away, he gets on the highway heading east. And I’m like, uh, Karl, north side aint east. And he looks at me kinda awkward and says really slowly, oh, yeah, you’re right. I’m thinking, okay, this guy’s a freak, and I tell him he can get off at this exit so he does. But then he says, so what’s a pretty girl like you doin waitin for the bus all alone, dontcha got a boyfriend? And I say, uh, Karl? I’m a guy. And he says, right, that’s what I meant. He says, I meant to say girlfriend.

  After that we don’t talk for a while. Then out of the blue, Karl says, I don’t think I got your name. And I want to lie to him and say my name is Dan Smitherson, but I don’t have the nerve to actually do it, so I tell him my real name and he smiles at me. So I’m like, you know what, Karl, you can let me out right on this corner. And he says, you sure? And I say, yes. So he lets me out and says, see ya later. And I walk away without answering.

Just in case it wasn’t clear.

I rolled my eyes at him. “More importantly,” I added, “you cheated me out of two places. I’d like to see the top two on my list.” I was thoroughly enjoying number eight. Why not shoot for the stars, you know?

“No, you wouldn’t,” the fairy said.

“Yes, I would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Yes, I would, and I’ll tell you why.” I’m not sure what argument I was going to attempt at that moment. It slipped my mind when I saw the fairy smiling, and I realized that he knew what he was doing all along. “You knew what you were doing all along,” I said.

He smiled and fluttered in the air.

“If you knew my top ten list, you knew that none of that other stuff I saw today was on the list.”

“Yes,” he admitted. “Trust me, I’ve done this before. It’s better that your best moments remain a mystery. That’s how you people work.”

He was probably right. Some things you don’t want to quantify. “How do you know so much about how “˜us people’ operate?”

“I have to do this once a year.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have to appear to a human once a year.”

I began strategizing. It would really impress girls if you could get a fairy to show up. “And can you appear more often?”

“Yes, I can, but to any one person I can only appear twice in a lifetime.”

“Twice?” That made things more complicated. “So will I ever see you again?”

He flew over to the boy version of me and landed on his shoulder. It made a pretty picture – the fairy, the boy, and the rolling hills of medieval Missouri in the background. “You’ll see me just before you die,” he said. “But you won’t need me then.”

And before I could respond, I was back in my bedroom, staring into my sock drawer.

We transported to a quiet, scenic overlook perched atop a sparsely forested hill. On a bench sat a boy who looked to be about 11 or 12 years old. It took me a while to remember the scene.

I think it was during spring break of my 6th grade year. We had taken vacation in the Ozarks, of all places. All my friends were going off to exotic locales like Cancun, Key West, Disneyworld, or South Padre Island. Meanwhile, my family got in the car and headed for Missouri. It was only a day’s drive away; it was cheap; and as my pre-pubescent self was discovering whilst sitting on a bench taking in the hilly countryside, it was actually quite pleasant.

The fairy buzzed over to the boy and sat on the bench beside him. He waved me over.

When I joined them, it was like I was back in my 6th grade head. The sun, long absent in the months leading up to spring break, warmed my face, and a slight breeze tousled my hair. I remember it was actually warmer in Missouri that year than it was in Florida or California. And as I sat alone on that bench, looking out over the rolling hills, I imagined I was no longer an anonymous boy from a nameless suburb in Wisconsin who never got noticed in class and who was facing several years’ worth of unrequited crushes. Instead, I imagined that the hills before me were those of medieval England and that I had discovered, in the middle of America, a portal to a fantasy land. It was a silly invention, and I didn’t take it that seriously. But I remember taking my shoes off, just as the boy was doing now, and digging my bare feet into the moist ground and smelling the scent of mud and new grass and feeling like I could change, like I could re-invent myself.

“I’ve forgotten all about this,” I told the fairy.

“I know,” he said. “This happens all the time. You people have no concept of the defining moments in your life. And your memory sucks.”

“So this is it, huh?” I closed my eyes and filled my lungs with the fresh air. “This is the best moment of my life.”

“Oh, Goodnes, no!” the fairy said. “This is number eight.”

I opened my eyes. “What do you mean number eight?”

“I know your top ten. This is number eight.”

“You know my top ten and you took me to number eight?” I said. “That’s random.”

“Yes it is!” He smiled.

“I suppose all of our best moments are somewhat random,” I added.

“Who’s the smart-ass now?”

I shot him the most skeptical glance I knew how to give. “I don’t think you know what that word means.”

“Whatever, smart-ass.”