18 Oct

An Advertisement

Hi. I’m Tim the Teacher, and I make roughly $30,000 a year. On a global scale, that means I’m filthy fucking rich. Compared to other Americans, however, I earn a little more than the median income of women my age and quite a bit less than the median income of men my age. So I think I can claim that I’m middle class.

If at some point in the future, I were to earn $250,000 a year, I, like Joe the Plumber, would be upset with the government’s taxation – provided they’d continue using that money to spend in Iraq, a country with a budget surplus of $79 billion.

On the other hand, if the taxes would go toward supporting college outreach programs or funding continuing research into green energy or ensuring heating assistance for the poor or reducing crime recidivism, I might be willing to part with some of my ample funds.

Sure, I could use my increased earnings (seven times the amount I currently make) to buy seven houses. But I believe in the Christian ethic articulated by great men like C.S. Lewis and Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. and Jesus that we should help those less fortunate than ourselves.

So I’m announcing my candidacy to be the next national mascot for the presidential campaign. Like Joe the Plumber, I’ll be just as snippy with the media, but unlike Joe, I’ll be informed on the real issues.

(brought to you by Tim the Teacher for National Political Mascot 2008)

13 Oct

A Little Too Much Sweetness

I’ve had multiple people asking me about Norma’s first article. Apple Enthusiast Magazine can be difficult to track down, and as such, the advice on baking apples that Norma’s supposedly going to provide with her column — advice I am sorely unqualified to give — is nowhere to be found.

Well, I’ve now read the thing and there’s nothing of substance in it. Seriously. She doesn’t even mention apples. Here’s how it starts:

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I’m a writer. My interests range from homemade potpourri baskets to holiday baking to teddy bears with a knack for solving crimes, but at the end of the day, I’m a writer.

From there, she proceeds to say how happy she is to have joined the Apple Enthusiast team and then gives us some additional Midwest cutesy charm, just barely making sense. Observe: “From a young age I learned that a cherry tart in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

So for all of you who were hoping for some good advice on baking apples, it’ll have to wait at least a week.

In the meantime, here are my picks.

I’ve had a long-standing prejudice against Red Delicious apples. As such, I haven’t tried one for years. And yet, it seems silly to forego a consistent familiarity with one of the most popular and recognizable apples if I’m to keep my finger on the pulse of apple-dom.

First, a little history. Read More

06 Oct

Tim’s Picks for October 4th

Okay, so you know how I ended my last column with the admission that I know nothing about which apples are good for baking and that such advice would have to come from a different columnist? Well Igor — that’s the editor’s name — loved that suggestion. In fact, he wrote me back and said exactly that: “Nice suggestion. I’ll get in touch with Norma.”

“It wasn’t a suggestion,” I wrote. “But I’m glad you liked the column. Who’s Norma?”

He wrote back: “I didn’t like the column. It was much too flip. But I’m hiring Norma as a columnist for baking apples.”

I replied, “Who’s Norma?”

For two days, I didn’t hear from him. Then he emailed again saying that he wanted to have a conference call with me and Norma. I said fine. They called Saturday.

Norma’s the woman who almost got my job last week. She lives in Ohio; Igor lives in Maine. And Igor has a huge crush on her, which was painfully obvious during the conversation.

Here’s approximately how it went:

Igor: So we’ll probably put the two columns side by side. I’m thinking Norma’s will go on the left since, you know, pretty ladies first.

Norma: Whatever you want to do is fine with me, Igor.

(pregnant pause full of disturbing fantasies on Igor’s part, no doubt)

Me: I could care less.

Norma: By the way, Tim, it’s a pleasure to talk to you. I really enjoy your column. Say, I just tried a new apple the other day called a Jonagold. Ever tried one?

Me (choking on my Ashmead’s Kernel): Uh, yeah. Cross between a Jonathan and a Golden Delicious? Yeah, I’ve tried that one.

Norma: Kind of a honeyed, aromatic flavor, really crisp and juicy.

Me: Mm-hmm. So they say.

Igor: Honey? I just love honey. Now pay attention to me, Norma. You’re column’s going to be great. I can’t wait to fawn over it some more. And maybe someday we can meet at a hotel in New York and make out.

Well, that’s an approximation, but it’s more or less accurate. I had to sit through 30 minutes of that crap.

But whatever. I shouldn’t be complaining. After all, I still have my job with Apple Enthusiast magazine. Here’s the column.
Read More