Author Archives: tim

I turn to Jimmy and ask him if he got my message and he says what message? and I say the one where I told you that Karl is a creepy mofo who hit on me the day I popped his clutch.

Karl interrupts and says, I’m telling you, that really sounds sexual, and I say, shut the fuck up. And Jimmy smiles and shakes his head and says, Karl’s not a creepy mofo. Nata whispers something in Jimmy’s ear, and I glance at Karl, who’s still eating his damn cereal.

Then Jimmy laughs out loud and says to me, you know, man, you can be a real asshole sometimes. And I give him a look like where the hell did that come from?

And he says, you really don’t remember, do you? And I’m like, what the hell are you talking about? And Jimmy says, Karl come over here. So Karl gets up and walks over to Jimmy and Jimmy grabs him by the arm and stands there next to him. Take a long, hard look at Karl, he says, you know him.

I don’t know what he’s talking about, but it’s Jimmy, so I do what he says. I stare at Karl’s face. And the whole time, I’m just thinking, yeah, I know this guy, he called me a girl and I’m pretty sure he’s a sexual predator. He’s like a dumb Hannibal Lector, I almost say out loud. But instead I shrug and say to Jimmy, what’s this all about? And Jimmy says, just do it.

So I keep looking at Karl and I get this flash of a familiar face. I can’t quite place it, but now I know Jimmy might be right. I keep looking at Karl and now it’s driving me nuts. I definitely know him. I’m thinking of all the possibilities. Was he a bartender? A clerk at a liquor store? One of Jimmy’s college roommates?

His last name’s Morris, Jimmy says.

Karl Morris? I know that name. I gaze at Karl again and just like that, I remember. Holy shit, I say. Karl Morris?

I grab my car keys and head for the door. We’re going to Jimmy’s, I say to Nata.

What? Why? she says.

I tell her that I’m pretty sure Karl’s over there right now. I don’t tell her that I’m also pretty sure that Jimmy’s tied to his bed with nylon ropes and that he has a racquetball in his mouth and is probably crying while Karl talks to him in an eerily calm voice about how he doesn’t want to hurt him.

When we get there, Jimmy’s door is locked. I look under his doormat for the key, but it’s not there. Motherfucker, I say. I punch the door, which hurts a little, but then Nata reminds me that I have a key.

Before I can stick the key in the lock, the door opens and Karl’s standing there. He’s eating a bowl of cereal. Where’s Jimmy? I say. But he’s just put a spoonful in his mouth, so he can’t answer me. He goes and sits on the couch. Where is he? I shout.

He swallows and says, his body’s in the bedroom. He takes another spoonful of cereal. Nata screams and runs into the bedroom, leaving me facing Karl.

I should have run you over when I was popping your fuckin clutch, I say.

Karl sets his cereal bowl on the coffee table slowly and deliberately, like a serial killer, and looks at me. Was that, uh, sexual? he says.

And I say, what?

He says, what you just said about popping my clutch, kinda sounded sexual.

What? No, it wasn’t sexual! I say.

Just then, Jimmy appears around the corner.

Jimmy! I say.

And he says, hey, man.

Are you alright? I ask.

Yeah, I’m fine, he says.

And then I look at Karl, who shrugs and says, just fuckin with ya.

I just about shit my pants. Karl? I say. That Creepy Mofo who was at the bar with us that one night?

And she says, yeah, I was downtown, coming out of that shoe store on Washington, and I hear some guy say, what’s a pretty girl like you doing down here all alone? and I was a little freaked at first, but then I turned and saw Karl driving a red pickup truck and he says, Nata, right? and I say yeah, and he asks me if I need a ride.

So you got in the car with him? I say.

What’s the big deal? she says.

So I explain to her all the creepy details of that first time I met Karl and after I’m done with the whole explanation, she’s like, wow, he is a Creepy Mofo. And I’m like, yeah.

We stand there looking at each other for a second and then I remember that I’ve never asked Jimmy how he knew Karl. I ask Nata if she knows how Jimmy knows Karl.

No, she says.

You know what? I say. We’re gonna call that mofo.

Karl? she says.

No, I say, Jimmy.

So I pick up the phone, dail Jimmy’s number, and I get voice mail. Jimmy, I say (after the beep), hey, me and Nata are just wondering how you know Karl, cuz he’s actually a Creepy Mofo. He just gave Nata a ride and said all this Creepy Shit, and a lot of it was the same Creepy Shit he said to me a month ago when he gave me a ride. Call me. And then I say, asshole, just so he knows I still love him.

When I hang up, I say to Nata, maybe we should go over to his house, and Nata says, yeah, maybe Karl’s over there right now, like asking Jimmy to take a peak under the hood of his pickup truck.

And I sit there not saying anything, imagining how that plot might play out until I snap myself out of it and say, I’m callin Jimmy again. But just then the phone rings, and the caller id says it’s Jimmy.

Jimmy, I say.

What’s up, he mumbles.

Did you get my message?

Yeah.

So what gives?

Karl’s a nice guy, he says.

But something’s wrong with his voice. He sounds different. Like maybe he’s . . . holy shit! Who is this? I say.

I hear nothing.

Who is this? I repeat.

And then I hear a dial tone.

So then I’m like, shit. I have no idea what I’m gonna say cuz, see, here’s the thing: my chances with Nata are based not only on how smooth I am, but on how smooth the whole night is. And things would get really awkward if I told the truth about Karl right now. So I say nothing. Instead, I sit there with my mouth open, looking dumbly at Nata.

Then Karl leans in close to Nata and says, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And I’m picturing what my bottle of beer could do to Karl’s nose. Nata looks at Karl like he just let one go and is smelling up the place, but Karl, says, that’s what he said to me — he said you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Everyone exhales audibly. Nata melts, turns to me, and says, aw, you said that?

Uh, yeah, I sputter. And Nata grabs my arm with both hands and smiles and says, that’s sweet, and I smile at her, and her smile gets bigger than it was, and then my smile gets bigger than it was and then someone in the group coughs and we realize everyone’s looking at us, so Nata lets go of my arm and I call the waitress over for some more drinks.

We make it through the rest of the night, pretty much without incident and over the course of the next month, Nata are seeing each other like three times a week at least. We watch Oprah, we play Grand Theft Auto, we make out. It’s pretty much like the ideal girlfriend situation, okay?

But then one day, Nata shows up at my place and says, you’ll never guess who gave me a ride over here. And I say, who? And she says, Karl.

So I’m thinking, damn, I gotta tell Jimmy about this creepy mofo, and then Karl smiles at me and nods like he knows something I don’t know, and I’m about ready to punch him in the face, but then Nata says, so how you been? I glare at Karl one last time and turn to Nata and say, it’s good to see you again, but as I look into Nata’s gorgeous eyes, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, okay, Karl, you’re getting off easy for now, but I’m gonna find out where your psychotic ass lives.

Nata turns to me and says, so Jimmy tells me you like Oprah. And I’m already starting to dream up ways to get back at Jimmy but then Nata says, that’s so cool. I love Oprah, she says. I catch a glimpse of Jimmy, who winks at me, and I’m thinking about how I owe him one. And then Karl steps up to me and Nata and asks if we’re boyfriend girlfriend, and I’m like, shit. Karl turns to me and says, is this the girl you were telling me about? And I’m like, what the hell, but I don’t say what the hell. I only say what, but it in the most what-the-hell way I know how.

But Nata gets this huge beautiful smile on her face and says, wait, you guys know each other? And I say no at the same time that Karl says yes. Nata’s looking at me with her mouth hanging open a little which I find really cute so I start telling the story about how I’m standing at the bus stop and this guy walks up to me. Pretty soon, everybody’s listening to me and I tell the part about Karl not knowing how to pop the clutch and about how northside aint east and we’re all laughing. But I don’t tell the parts about how Karl’s actually a creepy pedophile for guys my age cuz I figure that would change the mood a little.

When I’m done telling the story, everyone’s like, what a coincidence! And we’re all laughing like we’re starring in a sitcom. And then Nata says, so wait, where’s the part where you were telling him about me?