Some Seasonal Advice

So it’s approaching midnight on the eve of Halloween and you’ve got a million things going: you’re sewing the arms on to a new voodoo doll; you’re ironing your best black cape; you’re making pentagrams out of sticks; and you’re gathering together your vials of hensbane and dragon’s teeth.

And that’s when you realize you have no eye of newt!

We’ve all been there. You meant to go newt-hunting earlier in the day, but you were just so busy; any number of things may have happened. Maybe your deformed assistant ate your to-do list. Maybe your crystal ball broke. Maybe your sister called asking for the liver of a blaspheming jew. Whatever the case, you forgot all about the eye of newt.

As we all know, newts are a pain in the ass to find. The forests have been picked over by deformed assistants, Witchcraft Depot doesn’t sell them, and the small mom and pop places that you used to rely on are all going out of business. So what can you do?

Well, it turns out there’s an easy solution. All you need is a toad, a drop of bat’s blood, and some corn starch. You simply take the toad (for best results, use one of those really tiny toads that are the size of your thumb), blend it, and add one drop of bat’s blood. This can get pretty messy in a Cuisinart, so we recommend an immersion blender or a good ‘ol mortar and pestle if you’ve still got one stashed somewhere in the house.

Once your toad is liquified, add the bat’s blood and then fold in enough corn starch to thicken it. The goal is to get the mixture thick enough so that you can roll it into a little ball the size of a newt’s eye. The dark spirits can’t tell the difference. Seriously. I once made a potion that called for three parts eye of newt to one part mugwort. When I discovered we were out of newt eyes, I freaked out. Broke a whole set of new wine glasses with my shrieking. But my friend Sandy told me about the toad and corn starch trick and wouldn’t you know it? I sank three sailboats with my potion.