Hi. I’m Tim the Teacher, and I make roughly $30,000 a year. On a global scale, that means I’m filthy fucking rich. Compared to other Americans, however, I earn a little more than the median income of women my age and quite a bit less than the median income of men my age. So I think I can claim that I’m middle class.
If at some point in the future, I were to earn $250,000 a year, I, like Joe the Plumber, would be upset with the government’s taxation – provided they’d continue using that money to spend in Iraq, a country with a budget surplus of $79 billion.
On the other hand, if the taxes would go toward supporting college outreach programs or funding continuing research into green energy or ensuring heating assistance for the poor or reducing crime recidivism, I might be willing to part with some of my ample funds.
Sure, I could use my increased earnings (seven times the amount I currently make) to buy seven houses. But I believe in the Christian ethic articulated by great men like C.S. Lewis and Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. and Jesus that we should help those less fortunate than ourselves.
So I’m announcing my candidacy to be the next national mascot for the presidential campaign. Like Joe the Plumber, I’ll be just as snippy with the media, but unlike Joe, I’ll be informed on the real issues.
(brought to you by Tim the Teacher for National Political Mascot 2008)
I’m Ted the Carpenter, and I am also announcing my candidacy for national mascot. Unlike Tim the Teacher, I have absolutely nothing to do with education. Did you know that Bill Ayers, the unrepentant domestic terrorist is on an education board in Chicago. Maybe my opponent knows him…I’ll bet he does. Well, we’ll just have to wait until Tim is completely truthful with us, won’t we?
Now, my opponent has mentioned his house to us all. I’ve been in it, and it is a nice home. But, did you know that Tim couldn’t even be bothered to show up at the closing on this house? No, he had to send a surrogate. I suppose Tim had better things to do like hobnobbing with Hollywood elite and palling around with his best friend Bill Ayers.
My friends, with two wars, an energy crisis, and an economic clusterfuck, we don’t have time to think. We cannot blink. We must act and act now. Thinking is for eggheads. I am no egghead. I also love babies.
So, folks when you go to the polls. Think about which mascot you would like to see stand for this country: a carpenter, like Jesus, or a socialist “Teacher” holding hands with Bill Ayers. Thank you
P.S. My major qualification is that I am the president of the Sarah Palin fan club. I even have a pitbull whose name I recently changed to Sarah.
Nice. I am laughing out loud. Now how can I get a picture of myself holding hands with Bill Ayers? That would be the kicker.