15 Jun

Camp Revenge

I just started my week-long writing course today, and the first exercise we were given was to choose a nonfiction article from among 7 or 8 options provided and then work some of that info into a scene. It was an exercise in exposition, the point being that exposition is perfectly fine as long as it’s something the reader wants to read — which is to say that it needs to be relevant to the characters and situation. It wasn’t easy. My article was about how to make timers and tripwires using basic household items. Here’s what I came up with in the half hour allotted. The beginning scenario is inspired by a true story, relayed via my mother-in-law.

Two days earlier, the whole camp had gone to the Lumberjack Log Jam for a day of roller coasters and water slides. Todd was being nice to me until he discovered some slightly older boys standing in line behind us. All charity for his younger sister was tossed aside. “Sadie!” he shouted. “Never touch a boy there!” The entire crowd laughed. All eyes were upon me.

Even as I gazed at the discarded candy wrappers on the ground, willing myself to turn invisible, a new purpose began forming in my small, homesick head, a purpose that made our remaining time at camp bearable. I hatched a plan – a plan that needed to be executed before Todd and I returned home, a plan that needed an audience.

I knew Jason would help me. It’s not that he had anything against Todd. But Jason couldn’t turn down a good prank, so when I told him I wanted to scare the piss out of Todd, he pulled me into the woods and said, “Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll give him a little nighttime visit from Jackie the Red.”

Jackie the Red was the obligatory one-eyed murderer who, according to camp legend, was the butt of a prank 20 years prior. His cabin mates had scared him one night by covering themselves with dyed-red corn syrup and pretending they were all dead. Little Jackie ran screaming and was never heard from again. Except that there were reports of him wandering the woods with a red light, looking for revenge. The red light didn’t make much sense, but it allowed the counselors to scare the bejesus out of the campers on ghost story night, which was just a few days away.

“Bring me an alarm clock, some wire, and some duct tape,” Jason said. “I’ll steal a red flashlight from the counselors’ office.”

I agreed to Jason’s request and went scrounging for the items. The clock had to be a mechanical clock, not a digital one. I found one in the older girls’ cabin. The wire I stole off one of the many “No Trespassing” signs fastened to the fence. And the duct tape I found in the cafeteria.

We met the next day. Jason took apart the light, handing me a battery and the red bulb. We cracked the case of the alarm, exposing the two hands of the clock, and he attached small sections of wire to each hand. One wire ran to the positive end of the battery; the other ran to the exposed red bulb. “When the hands meet,” he explained, “the wires come together and viola! The light goes on. We set it up right by Todd’s bunk and five minutes after he gets into bed, it’s Jackie time!”

It was a great idea, but I wanted to take it further. Sure, it would be fun to scare Todd. But I was more interested in the piss being scared out of him. That is, I wanted him to wet the bed. And I wanted everyone to know about it.

02 Jun

The Orderly Take Three

Another in a series of experiments in tone and scenario-establishing. Based on a premise thought up by my little bro.

I’ve been working here for two years, and in that time, I’ve stolen a couple hundred bags of blood. Until yesterday, no one’s come close to catching me.

I wasn’t even supposed to be in the cooler, much less examining a bag of O+. Shelley jolted me from my salivating when she shouted, “What are you doing in here?” She stood with a hand on her hip and her eyebrows raised.

I had an urge to say, “It’s not my fault,” like I used to do whenever Mom caught me cutting the back of my hand. Instead, I said something even more idiotic: “It’s my birthday!”

Shelley didn’t move. “Congratulations. And what does that have to do with your holding a bag of blood?”

I could have blamed a lazy nurse, but I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble, so I opted for the truth. “I’m a vampire, and I wanted to treat myself to a bag of AB positive.” Most of the stuff in our blood bank was O positive or A positive, and I was getting kind of sick of them. It being my birthday and all, I decided to treat myself to something finer.

“Funny.” Shelley held out her hand, and I gave up my treasure. “Which one of our hard-working staff members put you up to this?”

I hate pawning off my lies on others, but sometimes it’s necessary. You learn to blame the people who are a little scatter-brained, the ones who don’t always know for sure what they did an hour ago. In a sense, that’s what my life is all about — figuring out who to prey upon while causing the least harm.

And now that I’d just lost my blood for the night, someone else was going to have to pay the price.

01 Jun

The Orderly Take Two

An experiment in tone and scenario-establishing. This is the second attempt. The credit for the premise goes to my bro.

I smell death.

Each new patient who gets moved up here brings with them a steady stream of visitors. The visitors bring flowers and balloons and get-well cards. They bring their we’re-gonna-beat-this attitude. And after an hour or two, they leave to go back to their normal lives, where they don’t have to think about blood transfusions or cancerous growths or compromised immune systems. They don’t have to ponder how it is that our bodies turn against us, how we decay from the inside out.

But I’m different. I ponder it every day. I go into those rooms every day. I bring them towels and bed sheets. I change their dressings, fill their cups with water, feed them. I turn them over when they’re too weak to move themselves. And when I’m that close, I can smell death upon them. That’s when the craving hits me strongest.

It’s a complicated urge. The Romans, during their various victory celebrations, used to whisper to each other, “Memento mori” — “Remember you will die.” It made the party better. But of course, no one wanted to die during the party.

When I smell death upon those poor souls, I love them and pity them. I envy their fragility. But I also want to sink my teeth into their necks and break them.

31 May

The Orderly Take One

An experiment in tone and scenario-establishing. A few more of these will be coming. The credit for the premise goes to my bro.

I don’t know much about the patients. My contact with them isn’t all that intimate. There’s Mr. Gillespie in 321; I know he got crushed under a pick-up truck. And the old lady in 340 has lung cancer. Jackie, the pretty girl in 329, has AIDS. But most of them, I have no idea what they’re suffering from. I just change their bed sheets, clean their bathrooms, give them fresh towels. Once I get some more seniority, I’ll be asked to do other stuff — stuff like grooming, changing dressings, feeding. Then I’m sure I’ll get to know more names.

Until then, I only know the ones whose death is so inevitable I can smell it. I mean that quite literally. Ever heard those stories of cats in old folks homes who consistently choose to lie next to patients who then die two days later? Whatever those cats have, I have too.

In fact, I want to do exactly what they do — go in and lie next to the poor souls, curl up against their frail bodies, and purr. I want to lull them into dreams of better times, transport them to a cherished memory — a seaside vacation, a backyard barbecue, or a cozy winter evening by a fireplace.

I also want to bite them in the neck. I guess the cats don’t do that.

24 May

Monsters

I was recently listening to a song by Psapp called “The Monster Song,” which got me thinking about monsters. They’re a fascinating concept. They inhabit dark alleys, the cold forest, and claustrophobia-inducing caves — all the unknown places, the places we don’t want to go. But we need them, don’t we?

As the song was playing, I began pondering what the monsters represent. Some of them, I think, are about loneliness/isolation. We humans are herd animals, and it’s terrifying to imagine the predator pouncing from behind the trees and singling us out from the group, tearing us from our family and friends.

Some are about basic survival needs. We value our shelter; the monsters, on the other hand, thrive in the cold, damp darkness. That’s why it’s so easy to imagine them lurking outside our windows at night or hiding beneath the stairs in the basement. Surely, there’s some instinct at work there. Bacteria also thrive in damp, dark places. Perhaps our impulse to avoid such places really is smarter than we know.

Other monsters represent those parts of ourselves we fear. I’m not prone to depressed states, but even I have had moments in my life when some part of me despaired without reason. It’s truly frightening to know that our own minds and emotions can turn against us, that we can be seized by such moments of inexplicable sorrow.

But I’m an optimist. So even though I can relate to depression (which is what I think “The Monster Song” is really about), I’m also struck by the fact that it’s so easy to turn monsters into cute, comic characters as well.

Perhaps we should have some sympathy for the poor beasts, who give us reason to enjoy those times spent with family and friends gathered round the campfire.

Maybe Martin the Snot Monster is only trying to make us appreciate our health.

And maybe Ack-Ack the Rabbit of Loneliness — he’s immortal and can’t reproduce so all his friends and family have long since passed away — maybe he just wants us to call our mothers more often.

Surely Eric the Glum Cyclops exists at least in part to illuminate our blessings for us. Namely, that we have two eyes.

And what about Beaumont the Basement Lurker? He’s the one who used to laugh at us when as children we turned out the lights in the basement and then got the willies and ran up the stairs as fast as we could. But that was funny. So can we really blame him?

It could be worse. And in order to know that it could be worse, we must see the worst. Not that any of these thoughts are all that ground-breaking. But I could see a story emerging some day from the deep dark depths.

Until then, here’s the Psapp song and lyrics:

[audio: http://www.wiscostorm.net/home/audio/05%20The%20Monster%20Song.mp3]

Look out the door
That’s what it’s for
And tell me what do you see?
I do believe
That through the trees
There’s something hiding from me

The window’s wide
It climbs inside
But I don’t hear it creeping
I know its plan
Because it can
It gets me while I’m sleeping

Oh, and it’s happening again
It is laughing in the rain
When it gets me I will
Never be the same

Come out the dark
And join the march
And we’ll taste victory, I know
And through the crowds
And bustling sounds
There’s something waiting for me

It wears disguise
A faint surprise
Though I can see its yellow eyes

Oh, I can hear it as it comes
And it wants to taste my blood
We’re already lost, my love
We’ll never be the same

An open gate will close at eight
I’ll bolt the door and pace the floor
I still believe
Behind the leaves
There’s something waiting for me

A rising fear
Tells me it’s near
And I’m about to be consumed
The monster looms
And soon I know I will be
Dead and gone

Oh, and it’s happening again
And I do not like this pain
Now it’s got me,
I will never be the same

You know I like to go
For familiar feelings
And when they show
They only grow
I can’t hide their meanings

You know I like to go
For familiar feelings
And when they show
They only grow
I can’t hide their meanings

P.S. I created none of the artwork for the above monsters; I just gave them different personalities. They’re all “mojis.” But since that website isn’t all that fun to navigate, I linked most of the pictures to Mohd Ishak (aka eshark)’s page. He created all but the rabbit.